One day it will....
Posted on Oct 28th, 2007
by 
Cre8beauty
Cre8beauty
Once upon a time this story began. But then again, fairy tales are stories about dreams that have come to fruition. So there isn't a once upon a time to this story. Not yet.
But there is a time. There is this moment. Right now. And right now I am listening to the Cary Brothers, riding on the waves of the song, riding on the waves of my mind. Some might call this dreaming. I don't mind. As long as I can ride. Away from here.
How very un-buddhist like of me. How very un-powerofnow. The thing is, thought, I don't want to be here now. I want to Be. Just that--simply be. But here is not so simple now.
If I were feeling more powerful, I'd not be hiding, locked up in my room, like some fairy tale character. If I were feeling more powerful, I could do something more than send breath, send prayers to my roomate, his girlfriend (visiting for the weekend), and her little dog too. I'd go downstairs, sit on my couch and conversate, or attempt to change the situation that i've come to hate.
but i feel less than powerful outside of this space. outside of this room, even though the house is "mine." it's more than un-nerving to feel like a prisoner in your own house. and i know that it's my perspective that needs to be changed, but i haven't managed to do that yet.
even now, i feel darkness seeping in under my door. a certain cynicsim permeating the air. so i can embrace the darkness, or fight it, or find the peace within. but if i leave this room, i find that i'm without it. even more so.
and all of that takes time i don't want to devote to the moment. i need to plan tomorrow's lesson. finish writing grad school application essays. flow throught asana. catch up to my ap classes assigned reading.
and intermittently i will escape from beingherenow, through the sweetness of my dreams.
i will find my ever after, happily---even if it is yet to come true.
But there is a time. There is this moment. Right now. And right now I am listening to the Cary Brothers, riding on the waves of the song, riding on the waves of my mind. Some might call this dreaming. I don't mind. As long as I can ride. Away from here.
How very un-buddhist like of me. How very un-powerofnow. The thing is, thought, I don't want to be here now. I want to Be. Just that--simply be. But here is not so simple now.
If I were feeling more powerful, I'd not be hiding, locked up in my room, like some fairy tale character. If I were feeling more powerful, I could do something more than send breath, send prayers to my roomate, his girlfriend (visiting for the weekend), and her little dog too. I'd go downstairs, sit on my couch and conversate, or attempt to change the situation that i've come to hate.
but i feel less than powerful outside of this space. outside of this room, even though the house is "mine." it's more than un-nerving to feel like a prisoner in your own house. and i know that it's my perspective that needs to be changed, but i haven't managed to do that yet.
even now, i feel darkness seeping in under my door. a certain cynicsim permeating the air. so i can embrace the darkness, or fight it, or find the peace within. but if i leave this room, i find that i'm without it. even more so.
and all of that takes time i don't want to devote to the moment. i need to plan tomorrow's lesson. finish writing grad school application essays. flow throught asana. catch up to my ap classes assigned reading.
and intermittently i will escape from beingherenow, through the sweetness of my dreams.
i will find my ever after, happily---even if it is yet to come true.
Cary Brothers
Access: Public
prayer
March 2008 
You say: “How very un-buddhist like of me. How very un-powerofnow. The thing is, thought, I don't want to be here now” … but it's not about always WANTING to be here now, is it? The fact that you see that in yourself is the awareness you're looking for.
Don't forget to forgive yourself for being human. There's no harm in wanting to be elsewhere, elsewhen, as long as you know the difference between here-now and there-then.
And I think you do :) Be well!!